[Weekly Compilation of Presidential Documents Volume 33, Number 18 (Monday, May 5, 1997)]
[Pages 601-604]
[Online from the Government Publishing Office, www.gpo.gov]

<R04>
Remarks at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner

April 26, 1997

    Thank you very much. Mr. Hunt, thank you so much for reading the 
notes that I wrote you. [Laughter] Just like every other journalist, 
make all my memos public. [Laughter] To Larry McQuillan, Arlene Dillon, 
Jon Stewart, who will make us glad we came in a few moments, to all the 
distinguished head table guests, and ladies and gentlemen.
    I tried to fulfill Terry Hunt's agenda as President. Those are real 
notes I wrote him. And I will try to fulfill Larry's agenda. I think 
it's terrible the conditions in which the White House press corps labor. 
It really is. It reminds me of Nurse Ratchet's office in ``One Flew Over 
the Cuckoo's Nest.'' [Laughter] And it's really a tribute to the 
futility of a politician pandering to the press, because that used to be 
an indoor swimming pool that brought joy to FDR and JFK and Presidents 
in between. Richard Nixon gave it to you. [Laughter] And he got such 
good press in return. [Laughter] Maybe this is his final revenge, the 
miserable conditions of it. We could uncover it, but let you keep it. 
[Laughter] I could build a cabana. Well, you think about it.
    Before I get into my jokes, I have some important, serious news. 
[Laughter] Senator Lott and I have broken the gridlock over the budget. 
A deal now appears imminent. Miraculously, the $56 billion--[applause]--
thank you--the $56 billion gap that has separated Democrats and 
Republicans has been bridged. And ladies and gentlemen, we owe Senator 
Dole a huge debt of gratitude. [Laughter] And the best part is, we don't 
have to start paying it back until 2005. [Laughter] And that's outside 
the budget window. Bigger tax cuts, more money for the Justice 
Department, whatever--just sign up, you can have it. [Laughter] You 
know, if I had known Bob Dole was that generous, I'd have invited him 
over for coffee. [Laughter]
    I want to congratulate awardees tonight: Byron Acohido who has come 
from so far away and did such good work; and then there are the local 
winners, Ron Fournier, Mara Liasson, Todd Purdum. Of course, I'm not 
familiar with any of your work, but I'm sure it's very good. But this 
Purdum guy's name sounds familiar. Purdum, Purdum--I think I read it in 
the engagement announcements recently. Hillary and I congratulate Todd 
and Dee Dee on their marriage next month.

[[Page 602]]

    You know, Dee Dee and I started together on a little plane in New 
Hampshire, and we made it all the way to the White House. Then she sort 
of strayed over to your side for a while, and I was kind of 
disappointed. Now she's getting on a 747 and going to Beverly Hills. 
They grow up so fast, don't they? [Laughter]
    Oh, I got another serious thing I want to talk about. Something that 
I know--really, you all are on me about all the time. Many of you are 
distressed that you're not notified in a timely fashion about breaking 
news, like my knee breaking. And that's valid, and I've been doing some 
work to make sure it never happens again. In fact, in the spirit of 
reinventing Government that the Vice President has so indoctrinated me 
with, starting tonight we have decided to give you advance notice of 
upcoming mishaps. [Laughter]
    Mike McCurry has asked me to inform you of the following. While 
engaging in some volunteer work tomorrow in Philadelphia, I will be on 
the receiving end of a painful encounter with a ball-peen hammer. 
[Laughter] And I will do my best to do it before your filing deadline at 
5. On May 22d, I will be visiting the home of Tiger Woods to celebrate 
his recent victory in the Masters. Please be advised: There is a loose 
brick on the patio. [Laughter] On July 8, during the fifth inning of the 
All Star game in Cleveland, I will attempt to catch a foul ball from 
Rafael Palmeiro. Stay tuned. [Laughter] Look, Mark Knoller is running 
out to call his editor now. [Laughter]
    I know we're here to honor you tonight because of the work you do, 
but this dinner is a pittance compared to the testament to your 
profession last week which opened its doors, called the Newseum--the 
Newseum, the Newseum. What really surprised me, for any event in 
Washington, this opening actually got a lot of favorable press coverage. 
[Laughter] Evidently, you journalists have a lot of friends in the 
media. [Laughter]
    But there are a bunch of exhibits I'm dying to see. I want to see 
the portrait gallery of unnamed sources--[laughter]--the Gergen and 
Shields retrospective--[laughter]--the museum's crown jewel, the hall of 
pundits. [Laughter] Modeled after the Hall of Presidents at Disneyland, 
it features mechanized mannequins mouthing contentious blather. No wait, 
that's the McLaughlin Group. [Laughter]
    There is also an absolutely amazing collection of historical 
artifacts: C-SPAN's gavel-to-gavel etchings of the Constitutional 
Convention; CNN's very first ``Crossfire'', from the left Alexander 
Hamilton, from the right Aaron Burr, topic: gun control. [Laughter] 
There is an actual press corps travel manifest from Stage Coach One. 
Guess what, the film they showed was ``Fargo''. [Laughter] The 30 people 
in the White House press corps are laughing at that. [Laughter]
    There are artifacts of contemporary Washington journalism as well. 
There is the stack of Bibles upon which Joe Klein swore. [Laughter] 
There is Johnny Apple's expense reports, a transcript of Ann Rice's 
interview with Bob Novak, the contract where Bob Woodward insists on 
Robert Redford being cast as him. [Laughter] There is a haunting 
photograph from the 1961 White House Correspondents' dinner of young 
Brian Williams shaking hands adoringly with Chet Huntley. [Laughter]
    And then there is a whole wing dedicated to historic scoops. For 
example, did you know that Helen Thomas broke the story about the 
Lincoln Bedroom--while Lincoln was still sleeping in it. [Laughter]
    However, the most important part of the museum is an exhibit which 
poses an utterly fascinating question, both contemporary and historical: 
How would current White House correspondents and columnists have covered 
past Presidential administrations? Have you seen this? I mean, this is 
an incredible thing. In the exhibit, everyone in the current press corps 
is making fun of Millard Fillmore's name--that's everyone except Wolf 
Blitzer. [Laughter] David Letterman keeps calling William Howard Taft 
``Tubby'' and Teddy Roosevelt ``Old Four Eyes.'' [Laughter] Maureen Dowd 
writes a column dismissing the first Presidential election as politics 
as usual. [Laughter] Sam Donaldson makes fun of George Washington's 
wooden teeth but completely ignores the obvious fact that he's wearing a 
wig. [Laughter] The New York Times calls for a special counsel to look 
into George Washington's winning campaign in the Revolutionary War--
because Lafayette

[[Page 603]]

was French. And Barbara Walters asks the Father of our Country, ``If you 
could chop down a tree, any tree at all, what kind of tree would it 
be?'' [Laughter]
    All right, now we're going to tell some stuff on us. I know you give 
me grief from time to time, but really we work around the clock trying 
to help you do your job. I mean, really, what other administration would 
make thousands and thousands of internal memos and official documents 
available for your daily enjoyment? [Laughter]
    But you did miss a couple of good stories. Roll it in, boys; come 
here. Where are they? Where are my documents? [Laughter] Come here! I 
hope no one is in contempt for ignoring these. This is just a 
representative sample. You'll have them all tomorrow. [Laughter]
    Here's a memo from Harold Ickes to Leona Panetta: ``Leon, FYI, 
Maxwell House coffee is on sale this week for $3.49 a pound.'' 
[Laughter] Here's a copy of a check we mistakenly thought was a small 
campaign contribution from AT&T. It turns out that by cashing it, we 
authorized a switch in our long distance service. [Laughter] Here's a 
memo outlining the DNC's high donor program. It's pretty embarrassing--
business class upgrades for Air Force One. Mr. Speaker, it could have 
been you. [Laughter] And let's see, here's one: For $10,000, you can 
have a private meeting with Vice President Gore to discuss reinventing 
Government. And for $20,000, you don't have to go. [Laughter] And this 
is the most embarrassing one of all, from the White House visitor log 
last year. I can't believe any of you missed this. It seems that during 
the period of time when the First Lady was recording her Grammy Award 
winning album, Milli Vanilli came to the White House 32 times. 
[Laughter]
    Now, I don't know how this got in here. This is a letter of 
acceptance to Chelsea, saying that she will--from Chelsea, saying that 
she will attend--no, that's privileged. [Laughter] But look, the bad 
news is, our only child is going off to college. The good news is, it 
opens up another bedroom. [Laughter]
    But now look, you all know I want a bridge to the future, not the 
past. I'm interested in the future, so I want you to just forget about 
the documents. [Laughter]
    Now, we know how important technology is to our future, and the 
White House has always been the center of new technological 
developments, ever since John Adams occupied it. There was the electric 
lights, the telephone, the telegraph, the tape recorder--[laughter]--and 
the Clapper--[laughter]--and, most recently, the computer.
    Now, just last week the Vice President and I used a computer in the 
Oval Office. I felt like a kid who first got to drive; he actually let 
me do some things on it. [Laughter] And it's clear that we are once 
again at the threshold of a new era that will forever change the way 
Presidents conduct matters at home and abroad. As of this week, I have 
been working around the clock trying to balance the budget with Quicken. 
[Laughter] And I want you to consider this. In the post-cold-war era, 
the introduction of the computer has raised a profound question: Whose 
finger do you want on the control-alt-delete button? [Laughter]
    You know what my favorite button is? F2, search and replace. 
[Laughter] I have enjoyed the daily press clips so much more since I 
discovered F2. [Laughter] I read them on-line now, and then I search and 
replace. Thanks for showing me that, Al. I mean, after all--look, your 
news reports are just the first rough draft of history anyway, and I'm 
just doing the F2 thing to do a little editing. Let's take some of the 
news stories you've written just in the last month: F2, search for 
``budget standstill''; replace with ``prosperity at home and peace 
abroad.'' [Laughter] It's better, isn't it? It is. Search for 
``beleaguered''; replace with ``Lincolnesque.'' [Laughter] Search for 
``independent counsel''; replace with ``the ice cream man.'' [Laughter]
    I'll never forget how I found out about this incredible device, 
search and replace. I walked into the Vice President's office not very 
long ago, and he was there working on his computer--F2, search for Bill 
Clinton--[laughter]--I got there just in time.
    James Thurber said that humor is one of our greatest and earliest 
national resources that has to be preserved at all cost. Well, I hope 
we've saved a little up tonight and

[[Page 604]]

enriched it. I thank you and come here to honor your indispensable part 
in our lively 225-year-old experiment in democracy. May we work together 
so that it continues to light and lead the world.
    Tomorrow I'm going to Philadelphia, where this great experiment 
began, to open the Presidents' Summit for America's Future. We'll gather 
there to renew the spirit of service that built this country. Each of us 
must serve; you in your way, me in mine. You can start right now--by 
busing your own tables and helping with the dishes. [Laughter] Now, when 
Jon finishes, I'm going home.
    Thanks, and good night. [Laughter]

Note: The President spoke at approximately 10:05 p.m. in the 
International Ballroom at the Washington Hilton Hotel. In his remarks, 
he referred to White House Correspondents' Association outgoing 
president Terence Hunt, Associated Press, and incoming president Larry 
McQuillan, Reuters; Arlene Dillon, CBS News; comedian Jon Stewart; Byron 
Acohido, Seattle Times; Ron Fournier, Associated Press; Mara Liasson, 
National Public Radio; Todd Purdum, New York Times; former Press 
Secretary Dee Dee Myers, Vanity Fair; Mark Knoller, CBS Radio; Joe 
Klein, author, ``Primary Colors''; Johnny Apple, New York Times; author 
Ann Rice; syndicated columnist Bob Novak; Bob Woodward, Washington Post; 
actor Robert Redford; Brian Williams, NBC News; Helen Thomas, United 
Press International; Wolf Blitzer, Cable News Network; Sam Donaldson and 
Barbara Walters, ABC News.