    [Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: William J. Clinton (1997, Book I)]
    [April 26, 1997]
    [Pages 499-502]
    [From the U.S. Government Publishing Office www.gpo.gov]

    Remarks at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner
    April 26, 1997

        Thank you very much. Mr. Hunt, thank you so much for reading the
    notes that I wrote you. [Laughter] Just like every other journalist,
    make all my memos public. [Laughter] To Larry McQuillan, Arlene Dillon,
    Jon Stewart, who will make us glad we came in a few moments, to all the
    distinguished head table guests, and ladies and gentlemen.
        I tried to fulfill Terry Hunt's agenda as President. Those are real
    notes I wrote him. And I will try to fulfill Larry's agenda. I think
    it's terrible the conditions in which the White House press corps labor.
    It really is. It reminds me of Nurse Ratched's office in ``One Flew Over
    the Cuckoo's Nest.'' [Laughter] And it's really a tribute to the
    futility of a politician pandering to the press, because that used to be
    an indoor swimming pool that brought joy to FDR and JFK and Presidents
    in between. Richard Nixon gave it to you. [Laughter] And he got such
    good press in return. [Laughter] Maybe this is his final revenge, the
    miserable conditions of it. We could uncover it, but let you keep it.
    [Laughter] I could build a cabana. Well, you think about it.
        Before I get into my jokes, I have some important, serious news.
    [Laughter] Senator Lott and I have broken the gridlock over the budget.
    A deal now appears imminent. Miraculously, the $56 billion--[applause]--
    thank you--the $56 billion gap that has separated Democrats and
    Republicans has been bridged. And ladies and gentlemen, we owe Senator
    Dole a huge debt of gratitude. [Laughter] And the best part is, we don't
    have to start paying it back until 2005. [Laughter] And that's outside
    the budget window. Bigger tax cuts, more money for the Justice
    Department, whatever--just sign up, you can have it. [Laughter] You
    know, if I had known Bob Dole was that generous, I'd have invited him
    over for coffee. [Laughter]
        I want to congratulate awardees tonight: Byron Acohido, who has come
    from so far away and did such good work; and then there are the local
    winners, Ron Fournier, Mara Liasson, Todd Purdum. Of course, I'm not
    familiar with any of your work, but I'm sure it's very good. But this
    Purdum guy's name sounds familiar. Purdum, Purdum--I think I read it in
    the engagement announcements recently. Hillary and I congratulate Todd
    and Dee Dee on their marriage next month.
        You know, Dee Dee and I started together on a little plane in New
    Hampshire, and we made it all the way to the White House. Then she sort
    of strayed over to your side for a while, and I was kind of
    disappointed. Now she's getting on a 747 and going to Beverly Hills.
    They grow up so fast, don't they? [Laughter]
        Oh, I got another serious thing I want to talk about. Something that
    I know--really, you all are on me about all the time. Many of you are
    distressed that you're not notified in a timely fashion about breaking
    news, like my knee breaking. And that's valid, and I've been doing some
    work to make sure it never happens again. In fact, in the spirit of
    reinventing Government that the Vice President has so indoctrinated me
    with, starting tonight we have decided to give you advance notice of
    upcoming mishaps. [Laughter]
        Mike McCurry has asked me to inform you of the following. While
    engaging in some volunteer work tomorrow in Philadelphia, I will be on
    the receiving end of a painful encounter with a ball-peen hammer.
    [Laughter] And I will do my best to do it before your filing deadline at
    5. On May 22d, I will be visiting the home of Tiger Woods to celebrate
    his recent victory

    [[Page 500]]

    in the Masters. Please be advised: There is a loose brick on the patio.
    [Laughter] On July 8, during the fifth inning of the All Star game in
    Cleveland, I will attempt to catch a foul ball from Rafael Palmeiro.
    Stay tuned. [Laughter] Look, Mark Knoller is running out to call his
    editor now. [Laughter]
        I know we're here to honor you tonight because of the work you do,
    but this dinner is a pittance compared to the testament to your
    profession last week which opened its doors, called the Newseum--the
    Newseum, the Newseum. What really surprised me, for any event in
    Washington, this opening actually got a lot of favorable press coverage.
    [Laughter] Evidently, you journalists have a lot of friends in the
    media. [Laughter]
        But there are a bunch of exhibits I'm dying to see. I want to see
    the portrait gallery of unnamed sources--[laughter]--the Gergen and
    Shields retrospective--[laughter]--the museum's crown jewel, the hall of
    pundits. [Laughter] Modeled after the Hall of Presidents at Disneyland,
    it features mechanized mannequins mouthing contentious blather. No wait,
    that's the McLaughlin Group. [Laughter]
        There is also an absolutely amazing collection of historical
    artifacts: C-SPAN's gavel-to-gavel etchings of the Constitutional
    Convention; CNN's very first ``Crossfire''--from the left, Alexander
    Hamilton, from the right, Aaron Burr, topic, gun control. [Laughter]
    There is an actual press corps travel manifest from Stage Coach One.
    Guess what, the film they showed was ``Fargo.'' [Laughter] The 30 people
    in the White House press corps are laughing at that. [Laughter]
        There are artifacts of contemporary Washington journalism as well.
    There is the stack of Bibles upon which Joe Klein swore. [Laughter]
    There is Johnny Apple's expense reports, a transcript of Anne Rice's
    interview with Bob Novak, the contract where Bob Woodward insists on
    Robert Redford being cast as him. [Laughter] There is a haunting
    photograph from the 1961 White House Correspondents' dinner of young
    Brian Williams shaking hands adoringly with Chet Huntley. [Laughter]
        And then there is a whole wing dedicated to historic scoops. For
    example, did you know that Helen Thomas broke the story about the
    Lincoln Bedroom--while Lincoln was still sleeping in it. [Laughter]
        However, the most important part of the museum is an exhibit which
    poses an utterly fascinating question, both contemporary and historical:
    How would current White House correspondents and columnists have covered
    past Presidential administrations? Have you seen this? I mean, this is
    an incredible thing. In the exhibit, everyone in the current press corps
    is making fun of Millard Fillmore's name--that's everyone except Wolf
    Blitzer. [Laughter] David Letterman keeps calling William Howard Taft
    ``Tubby'' and Teddy Roosevelt ``Old Four Eyes.'' [Laughter] Maureen Dowd
    writes a column dismissing the first Presidential election as politics
    as usual. [Laughter] Sam Donaldson makes fun of George Washington's
    wooden teeth but completely ignores the obvious fact that he's wearing a
    wig. [Laughter] The New York Times calls for a special counsel to look
    into George Washington's winning campaign in the Revolutionary War--
    because Lafayette was French. And Barbara Walters asks the Father of our
    Country, ``If you could chop down a tree, any tree at all, what kind of
    tree would it be?'' [Laughter]
        All right, now we're going to tell some stuff on us. I know you give
    me grief from time to time, but really we work around the clock trying
    to help you do your job. I mean, really, what other administration would
    make thousands and thousands of internal memos and official documents
    available for your daily enjoyment? [Laughter]
        But you did miss a couple of good stories. Roll it in, boys; come
    here. Where are they? Where are my documents? [Laughter] Come here! I
    hope no one is in contempt for ignoring these. This is just a
    representative sample. You'll have them all tomorrow. [Laughter]
        Here's a memo from Harold Ickes to Leon Panetta: ``Leon, FYI,
    Maxwell House coffee is on sale this week for $3.49 a pound.''
    [Laughter] Here's a copy of a check we mistakenly thought was a small
    campaign contribution from AT&T. It turns out that by cashing it, we
    authorized a switch in our long distance service. [Laughter] Here's a
    memo outlining the DNC's high donor program. It's pretty embarrassing--
    business class upgrades for Air Force One. Mr. Speaker, it could have
    been you. [Laughter] And let's see, here's one: For $10,000, you can
    have a private meeting with Vice President Gore to discuss reinventing
    Government. And for $20,000, you don't have to go. [Laughter] And this
    is the most embarrassing one of all, from the White

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    House visitor log last year. I can't believe any of you missed this. It
    seems that during the period of time when the First Lady was recording
    her Grammy Award winning album, Milli Vanilli came to the White House 32
    times. [Laughter]
        Now, I don't know how this got in here. This is a letter of
    acceptance to Chelsea, saying that she will--from Chelsea, saying that
    she will attend--no, that's privileged. [Laughter] But look, the bad
    news is, our only child is going off to college. The good news is, it
    opens up another bedroom. [Laughter]
        But now look, you all know I want a bridge to the future, not the
    past. I'm interested in the future, so I want you to just forget about
    the documents. [Laughter]
        Now, we know how important technology is to our future, and the
    White House has always been the center of new technological
    developments, ever since John Adams occupied it. There was the electric
    lights, the telephone, the telegraph, the tape recorder--[laughter]--and
    the Clapper--[laughter]--and, most recently, the computer.
        Now, just last week the Vice President and I used a computer in the
    Oval Office. I felt like a kid who first got to drive; he actually let
    me do some things on it. [Laughter] And it's clear that we are once
    again at the threshold of a new era that will forever change the way
    Presidents conduct matters at home and abroad. As of this week, I have
    been working around the clock trying to balance the budget with Quicken.
    [Laughter] And I want you to consider this. In the post-cold-war era,
    the introduction of the computer has raised a profound question: Whose
    finger do you want on the control-alt-delete button? [Laughter]
        You know what my favorite button is? F2, search and replace.
    [Laughter] I have enjoyed the daily press clips so much more since I
    discovered F2. [Laughter] I read them on-line now, and then I search and
    replace. Thanks for showing me that, Al. I mean, after all--look, your
    news reports are just the first rough draft of history anyway, and I'm
    just doing the F2 thing to do a little editing. Let's take some of the
    news stories you've written just in the last month: F2, search for
    ``budget standstill''; replace with ``prosperity at home and peace
    abroad.'' [Laughter] It's better, isn't it? It is. Search for
    ``beleaguered''; replace with ``Lincolnesque.'' [Laughter] Search for
    ``independent counsel''; replace with ``the ice cream man.'' [Laughter]
        I'll never forget how I found out about this incredible device,
    search and replace. I walked into the Vice President's office not very
    long ago, and he was there working on his computer--F2, search for Bill
    Clinton--[laughter]--I got there just in time.
        James Thurber said that humor is one of our greatest and earliest
    national resources that has to be preserved at all cost. Well, I hope
    we've saved a little up tonight and enriched it. I thank you and come
    here to honor your indispensable part in our lively 225-year-old
    experiment in democracy. May we work together so that it continues to
    light and lead the world.
        Tomorrow I'm going to Philadelphia, where this great experiment
    began, to open the Presidents' Summit for America's Future. We'll gather
    there to renew the spirit of service that built this country. Each of us
    must serve; you in your way, me in mine. You can start right now--by
    busing your own tables and helping with the dishes. [Laughter] Now, when
    Jon finishes, I'm going home.
        Thanks, and good night. [Laughter]

    Note: The President spoke at approximately 10:05 p.m. in the
    International Ballroom at the Washington Hilton Hotel. In his remarks,
    he referred to White House Correspondents' Association outgoing
    president Terence Hunt, Associated Press, and incoming president Larry
    McQuillan, Reuters; Arlene Dillon, CBS News; comedian Jon Stewart; Byron
    Acohido, Seattle Times; Ron Fournier, Associated Press; Mara Liasson,
    National Public Radio; Todd Purdum, New York Times; former Press
    Secretary Dee Dee Myers, Vanity Fair; Mark Knoller, CBS Radio; Joe
    Klein, author, ``Primary Colors''; Johnny Apple, New York Times; author
    Anne Rice; syndicated columnist Bob Novak; Bob Woodward, Washington
    Post; actor Robert Redford; Brian Williams, NBC News; Helen Thomas,
    United Press International; Wolf Blitzer, Cable News Network; and Sam
    Donaldson and Barbara Walters, ABC News.

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