    [Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: William J. Clinton (1995, Book I)]
    [March 14, 1995]
    [Pages 351-353]
    [From the U.S. Government Publishing Office www.gpo.gov]

    Remarks at the Radio and Television Correspondents Association Dinner
    March 14, 1995

        Thank you very much. Thank you very much, Bill. I can't think of
    anything better for a politician than to be introduced by a guy named
    ``Headline.'' [Laughter]
        Hillary and I are delighted to be here. I am told that this is by
    far the largest group of radio and television correspondents ever
    assembled this far from a Los Angeles courtroom. [Laughter] You know,
    the press is always asking me if I'm watching the O.J. trial, and Mike
    McCurry always has to say, ``Oh, he's so busy with affairs of''--of
    course I watch it. [Laughter] And the other day I was watching it, and
    the camera zoomed in to Judge Ito's computer monitor. You've seen that,
    haven't you? There was an E-mail message on it from Wolf Blitzer begging
    for a recess. [Laughter]
        You know, every year when I come here, even though I've only been
    here a couple of years, I recognize more and more faces. And now I'm
    getting so good at it I can tell when people are missing. [Laughter]
    This year, thanks to Mr. Armey and others, PBS couldn't afford a ticket
    for both MacNeil and Lehrer. [Laughter] I know that because Louis
    Rukeyser told me that when he checked my coat when I came in. [Laughter]
        I'm trying to figure out what's going on here. I guess the rest of
    you are, too. I have puzzled over this Republican assault on affirmative
    action. You know, the Republicans started affirmative action under Mr.
    Nixon. I think the reason that they don't like it anymore is because the
    Democrats are now a minority. [Laughter] I have decided to adopt their
    position on another important issue: term limits. I'll settle for two.
    [Laughter]
        You know, this campaign is amazing. It's gotten so heated up that
    when I called L.L. Bean last week they told me they're back-ordered on
    red flannel shirts for several months. Because I'm President, they
    promised to send me mine by June. [Laughter]
        Look, in spite of this campaign, I want to tell you that I am going
    to keep doing the job the American people elected me to do. I'm going to
    let the rest just take care of itself. I'm still working on Saturdays. I
    mean, I was working on Saturday a couple of weeks ago, trying to do the
    things that a President really doesn't have time for during the week. I
    was reinventing my filing system according to Gore, adding up my own
    frequent flier miles on Air Force One. I even did a little spackling in
    the Roosevelt Room. [Laughter] And I noticed--

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    I looked outside and there was the Vice President mulching the
    environment in the Rose Garden. [Laughter] So I invited him in, and we--
    there we were, all alone on a Saturday, a beautiful Saturday, and we got
    into this deep discussion about the new ideas we needed for reinventing
    Government. I said, ``You know, we've got to have exciting ideas,
    breakthrough ideas, third-wave ideas.'' And so, we began to think. Right
    off the bat in this drive to downsize Government, we discovered that
    there was a useless extra ``C'' in the FCC, and we got rid of it right
    away. [Laughter]
        Then we asked ourselves, in our lust for consolidation, ``Do we
    really need North and South Dakota?'' [Laughter] But when we thought of
    how frugal and inexpensive they were, and when we remembered the votes
    on the balanced budget amendment, we said, ``Yes, we do.'' Furthermore,
    for economy's sake, we intend to propose a Central Dakota for this
    Congress. [Laughter]
        The Vice President, ever the humble public servant, suggested that
    this year we could save money by doing away with the White House
    Christmas tree, and we could just hang the ornaments on him. Now, he
    approved that joke, I want you to know. [Laughter]
        Then Leon Panetta came in, and we had, finally, at last, three
    people in the same room in the White House who were over 45. [Laughter]
    And we decided that we could consolidate our staff further by replacing
    fifteen 30-year-olds with five 90-year-olds. [Laughter] Then the rest of
    the staff came in. They all trooped in, and we were talking about new
    ideas, these exciting breakthrough ideas. We discussed an opportunity
    for entrepreneurship in dealing with the deficit, which I know the
    Republicans will agree with. Next week I intend to propose that we put
    the President and the Congress on commissions. Then we'll turn a profit
    in no time. All your programs will be gone, but we'll do well.
    [Laughter]
        This is a serious proposal. Instead of getting rid of all these
    domestic observances that we have, all these domestic programs, why
    don't we do what all the athletic events are doing, you know, like the
    Mobil Cotton Bowl? Let's get corporate sponsorships for Government.
    Like, we could make February 12 Lincoln-Mercury's birthday. [Laughter]
        And you all tell me all the time I need to do better marketing. So
    we have a new idea. We're going to put Ed McMahon's picture on the IRS
    refund checks. Just imagine, when you get your envelope from the
    Treasury Department, up in the corner it says, ``You may already be a
    winner.'' [Laughter]
        Two other ideas we had--somebody in one of these meetings--you know,
    even the Democrats go too far sometimes on downsizing Government. One of
    them said we ought to turn the Pentagon into a triangle. And I said, no,
    I am going to hold the line with a veto threat for a rhombus. [Laughter]
    Then it was suggested that the greatest consolidation we could do is to
    consolidate the Bureau of Indian Affairs and the Joint Chiefs of Staff
    into the Joint Chiefs. [Laughter] You know, I was afraid that was
    politically incorrect, but it got by. It got by. [Laughter]
        Now, this is the most important thing I'm going to say tonight. I
    came here to offer a way to make peace with our Republican friends on
    this heated school lunch issue. Al Gore and I have discovered a
    reinventing Government way, Mr. Armey, to get around this terrible
    rhetoric we've been flinging at you on school lunches. We have a way to
    save money through streamlining that does not require us to deprive our
    children of food. Instead of cutting food, we're going to cut the
    cutlery. And here's how: with a spork. [Laughter] Now, you know, I don't
    know how many of you know this, I've been eating off these things for
    years. I never knew they were called sporks. But that's what they are.
    This is the symbol of my administration. This is a cross between a spoon
    and fork, no more false choice between the left utensil and the right
    utensil. This is not an ideological choice. This is a choice in the
    middle and a choice for the future. This is a big, new idea, the spork.
    [Laughter]
        Now, when we get by that, I'm going to reach a breakthrough
    agreement with Senator Dole to cut down on the commuting costs of
    Congress by moving the Senate sessions to New Hampshire. [Laughter] I'm
    hoping even to get Senator Gramm's vote for that. [Laughter]
        Also, we decided to do something for that group of constituents
    that's supposed to be so alienated from the Democratic Party. We want to
    combine the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms with both the Bureau
    of Fisheries and the Interstate Trucking Commission. We're going to call
    it the Department of Guys. [Laughter] And if you don't like it, there
    ain't a place

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    for you in the Democratic Party anymore. [Laughter]

        Finally, I have decided to support the most controversial Republican
    idea in the legal reform area, ``loser pays,'' but only if we tie it to
    campaign finance reform and make it retroactive to 1992. [Laughter]

        Now, that was what Al Gore and I did on just another Saturday
    afternoon at the White House. So even though all the action's with the
    Republicans on the Hill, I just wanted you to know you're still getting
    your money's worth out of us. [Laughter] It shows you the kind of great
    thinking you get out of a bunch of highly motivated people who don't get
    enough sleep at night. [Laughter]

        Well, I could go on like this forever, but you know that, don't you?
    [Laughter] Let me say, for 51 years, all of you have gotten together and
    invited others to join you in celebrating the best of the electronic
    media. And while the times change and the rules change and the practices
    change, I really believe that most of us in this room, like the people
    who came here 51 years ago, want what's best for our country and do what
    we do in the hope that we're doing it well enough to advance the
    interests of the United States and to keep the American dream alive.

        This is an unusual and difficult time for all of us because of all
    the challenges out there in the country today, but it's a very, very
    exciting time, not only to be covering events in Washington but to be a
    part of it. I thank you for the work you do, and I thank you for having
    us here tonight.

        I do want to say that I'm a little apprehensive; the next speaker,
    Bill Maher, has a TV show named ``Politically Incorrect.'' Out of
    respect for him, I've tried not to be politically incorrect tonight. Out
    of respect for me, I hope he won't try to be presidential tonight.
    [Laughter]

        Thank you all, and good night.

    Note: The President spoke at 9:42 p.m. at the Washington Hilton. In his
    remarks he referred to Bill Headline, chair, Radio and Television
    Correspondents Association; CNN News reporter Wolf Blitzer;
    Representative Richard K. Armey; Robert MacNeil and James Lehrer, co-
    anchors of the MacNeil/Lehrer Newshour; economic commentator Louis
    Rukeyser; and television host Ed McMahon.