[Congressional Record (Bound Edition), Volume 145 (1999), Part 10]
[House]
[Pages 13818-13819]
[From the U.S. Government Publishing Office, www.gpo.gov]



                IF NOAH LIVED IN THE UNITED STATES TODAY

  The SPEAKER pro tempore (Mr. Stearns). Under the Speaker's announced 
policy of January 19, 1999, the gentlewoman from North Carolina (Mrs. 
Myrick) is recognized during morning hour debates for 5 minutes.
  Mrs. MYRICK. Mr. Speaker, this is not original. It was sent to me by 
someone else, but I thought it was very apropos for our life today. It 
is called If Noah Lived in the United States Today.
  And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, ``In 1 year I'm going to make it 
rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed, 
but I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of 
living thing on the earth. Therefore I'm commanding you to build an 
ark.'' In a flash of lightning God delivered the specifications for an 
ark, and fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build he 
ark.
  ``Remember,'' said the Lord, ``you must complete the ark and bring 
everything aboard in 1 year.''
  Well, exactly 1 year later fierce storm clouds covered the earth, and 
all the seas of the earth went into tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was 
sitting in his front yard weeping. ``Noah,'' he shouted, ``Where is the 
ark? Lord, please forgive me,'' cried Noah ``I did my best, but there 
were big problems.
  ``First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did 
not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw the 
plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the ark 
needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
  ``Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning 
ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a 
variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting 
enough wood for the ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to 
protect the spotted owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that 
I needed the wood to save the owls.
  ``However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls, 
so no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to 
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before 
anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer.
  ``Now I have 16 carpenters on the ark, but still no owls. When I 
started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by

[[Page 13819]]

an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each 
kind of animal aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed the EPA 
notified me that I could not complete the ark without filing an 
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
  ``They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no 
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the 
Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I 
sent them a globe. Right now I'm trying to resolve a complaint filed 
with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I'm practicing 
discrimination by not taking Godless or unbelieving people on board.
  ``The IRS has seized my assets claiming I'm building an ark in 
preparation to flee the country to avoid taxes. I just got a notice 
from the State that I owe them some kind of tax and that I failed to 
register the ark as a recreational watercraft.
  ``Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against 
further construction of the ark saying that since God is flooding the 
earth it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really 
don't think I can finish the ark for another 5 or 6 years,'' Noah 
wailed.
  The sky began to clear and the sun began to shine and the seas began 
to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky, and Noah looked up hopefully. 
``You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?''
  ``No,'' the Lord said sadly, ``I don't have to. The government 
already has.''

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