[Congressional Record Volume 152, Number 34 (Thursday, March 16, 2006)]
[Extensions of Remarks]
[Page E388]
From the Congressional Record Online through the Government Publishing Office [www.gpo.gov]




 LETTER TO THE EDITOR AS OFFERED BY TERRY C. PLAUCH OF MOBILE, ALABAMA

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                             HON. JO BONNER

                               of alabama

                    in the house of representatives

                        Thursday, March 16, 2006

  Mr. BONNER. Mr. Speaker, last week one of my constituents, Terry C. 
Plauch, submitted a letter to the Mobile Register offering a theory 
regarding Vice President Cheney's recent hunting accident.
  Conspiracy theories are not new to Washington, D.C. From the 
conspiracies surrounding the assassinations of both Presidents Lincoln 
and Kennedy, to the Watergate break-in, almost every event in this town 
elicits its own conspiracy theory. Today, I rise to ask that this 
letter be entered into the Congressional Record in its entirety for I 
believe Terry Plauch may be on to something:

       Some facts on the Cheney conspiracy:
       I have been fascinated with the conspiracy theories about 
     the recent Dick Cheney hunting incident. Although I thought 
     most of them foolish, I decided to find out if any were 
     valid.
       After careful research, I have discovered some interesting 
     facts the media either didn't learn or were too scared to 
     report. It turns out these facts prove that conspiracy was 
     involved in the Texas story.
       The first fact relates to the prey involved. I found that 
     the birds being hunted, quail and pheasant, have strong 
     political histories. It is no coincidence ``quail'' just 
     happens to sound like the name of the first Bush vice 
     president, Dan Quayle. And what was one of the main topics 
     the media criticized Bush/Quayle about? They were deaf to the 
     poor, the downtrodden. In other words, the peasants.
       It is no coincidence that ``peasant'' sounds like 
     ``pheasant.'' In fact, the words are only one ``h'' away from 
     each other. And what is the difference between President 
     George W. Bush and his father, George H.W. Bush? It is a 
     single ``h,'' although capitalized. A happenstance? I think 
     not.
       Another interesting fact is that Cheney used a 20-gauge 
     shotgun instead of the more common 12-gauge. So what? It is 
     no coincidence that the difference between the two gauges is 
     eight, the number of years Bush and Cheney will be in office. 
     A happenstance? I think not.
       I have therefore concluded from my research that the 
     shooting was self-defense. Here's what happened: Cheney's 
     intelligence brief stated that birds fly as their primary 
     means of transportation. Knowing that they had to fly to get 
     to the ranch where the hunt was scheduled, Mr. Cheney 
     concluded that the birds flew to the ranch. Now, ``flew'' 
     sounds like ``flu.'' That's right, the deadly Asian bird flu.
       The vice president, former head of Halliburton, knew that 
     if the birds recognized him, they would attack, trying to get 
     revenge for their name sounding like Dan Quayle's. He would 
     then be infected. So when he saw the birds, the self-
     preservation reflex took over, I and he started shooting 
     anything that flew his way. His lawyer friend, however, 
     started shooting the birds just for a meal. And in his 
     hunger, he stepped into Cheney's arc of fire and became the 
     victim. So Cheney protected himself, and his friend missed 
     lunch.
       In conclusion, I must mention the fact that Dick Cheney ran 
     Halliburton. It is no coincidence that the two people the 
     company was named for, Halle Berry and Richard Burton, have 
     ties to the vice president.
       Halle Berry played Catwoman in the movies. Cats, as you 
     know, are sworn enemies of birds, both quail and pheasant.
       And Richard Burton was married to Elizabeth Taylor. So 
     what? Well, Vice President Dick Cheney happens to be the only 
     person of his generation in the United States who has not 
     been married to Elizabeth Taylor.
       A happenstance? I think not.
     Terry C. Plauch.

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