[Congressional Record Volume 151, Number 42 (Tuesday, April 12, 2005)]
[House]
[Pages H1854-H1855]
From the Congressional Record Online through the Government Publishing Office [www.gpo.gov]




                        THE WASHINGTON LOBBYISTS

  The SPEAKER pro tempore. Pursuant to the order of the House of 
January 4, 2005, the gentleman from Ohio (Mr. Brown) is recognized 
during morning hour debates for 5 minutes.
  Mr. BROWN of Ohio. Mr. Speaker, it is springtime, and Major League 
Baseball is coming to Washington. The thing is, though, I am not sure 
they got the name right. They are calling the team the Washington 
Nationals. Not a bad name, but I always thought the name should reflect 
the true character of a city. The right choice is obvious: the new 
team's name should be the Washington Lobbyists.
  The Washington Lobbyists and their Republican allies would play under 
new rules of the game.
  Rule number one: pay to play. You cannot step on the field unless you 
ante up. But in the land where cash is king, that is just the start. 
For a modest added contribution, a batter can shrink the strike zone, 
replace the traditional hardball with a more responsive tennis ball, or 
move the pitcher back 10 feet.
  Rule number two: no errors. Missed the ball, say, by $800 billion on 
your Medicare cost estimate? No worries. With enough money, enough spin 
and enough citizen education, the Lobbyists can make those errors 
vanish overnight, or at least until election day.
  Rule number three: it ain't over until its over, unless we are 
losing. Soccer ends after a set period of time. But do you know who 
plays soccer? Old Europe, that is who. Well, none of that in 
``reformed'' baseball. At home games, the Lobbyists can hold the game 
open, adding extra innings if they are losing at the end of an 
arbitrary nine innings.
  And the Washington Lobbyists would create a whole new fan experience 
too. Instead of the oh-so-boring Ball Day Or Bat Day, the Lobbyists and 
their corporate partners could offer U.S. Chamber of Commerce Blanket 
Day: Fans get blanket product-liability waivers.
  Or the Washington Lobbyists baseball team could offer Golf Junket 
Getaway Giveaways: one lucky fan gets an all-expense sweet golf trip to 
Scotland, all expenses paid by the Indian gaming industry.
  Or the Washington Lobbyists could give away at the ball park Timber 
Industry Bat Night: every bat is made from 100 percent old-growth 
forest.
  Or Pressroom Sweepstakes: the winning fan gets White House press 
credentials for a day, but only if he is affiliated with an on-line 
escort service.
  Or maybe Burger Night: free burgers for the first 5,000 fans, made 
with 100 percent caribou from the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

[[Page H1855]]

  Maybe they could have Wal-Mart Kids Day, where kids would not get to 
actually watch the game, because somebody has got to work the 
concessions.
  Or Mug Night: the lucky fan gets to keep his swank Republican 
leadership job, even if his mugshot is taped to his grand jury's dart 
board.
  Or we could even have at the Washington Nationals baseball game 
starting Thursday night, we could have Halliburton Gasoline Night: a 
tank of gas for the first 1,000 fans at the patriotic Halliburton price 
of $8.95 a gallon.
  Or the Enron Doubleheader: Fans get in early with promises of a big 
win, but then the team kicks you out and takes your pension away.
  In the spirit of Republican Washington, the Washington Lobbyists will 
not care much about public opinion, making decisions in secret and 
ignoring criticism from the fans. And to avoid unpatriotic dissent, 
games will be played in the middle of the night, after sports writers 
have gone to bed.

                              {time}  1245

  If we want to change things and change how things really work in 
Washington, Mr. Speaker, we are going to have to change pitchers. Until 
we do, the Washington lobbyists and their friends here in Congress will 
always win.

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