[Congressional Record Volume 148, Number 7 (Tuesday, February 5, 2002)]
[Extensions of Remarks]
[Page E89]
From the Congressional Record Online through the Government Publishing Office [www.gpo.gov]




                        NATIONAL LAMPOON ARTICLE

                                 ______
                                 

                        HON. FORTNEY PETE STARK

                             of california

                    in the house of representatives

                       Tuesday, February 5, 2002

  Mr. STARK. Mr. Speaker, I encourage my colleagues to take a moment to 
read the following article from the satirical website magazine, 
National Lampoon Dotcom. Sometimes irony is the most revealing truth.

               [From the National Lampoon, Jan. 29, 2002]

               Companies Line Up To Hire Arthur Andersen

       New York--Accounting firm Arthur Andersen stunned observers 
     when, in the wake of the Enron scandal, the red-faced 
     auditors reported a huge leap in new business.
       ``We were worried that the allegations of signing off on 
     fake partnerships, covering up millions in losses and 
     shredding documents would tarnish our image,'' stated 
     Andersen CEO Joseph Berardino. ``But it turns out that a lot 
     of companies have seen that we here at Arthur Andersen are 
     willing to go the extra mile for their business.''
       Business experts agree.
       ``There are a lot companies, particularly on the NASDAQ, 
     that could stand to have $600 million in bogus profits right 
     now,'' noted Mike Farnsworth, CEO of Temblor 
     Telecommunications. ``It makes management look good.''
       ``Look, most of my compensation is based on options,'' 
     continued Farnsworth. ``Why would I hire an accounting firm 
     that might insist on the spirit of the law, when I could hire 
     Arthur Andersen and cash out? Those guys are pros! When I saw 
     that guy [David Duncan] refuse to testify in front of 
     Congress, I knew that the boys at Andersen had balls. There's 
     no `I' in `Team' with them.''
       The rest of the big 5 accounting firms have taken note.
       ``At KPMG, we're not just a rubberstamp,'' stated Global 
     Chairman Stephen Butler. ``We're a respected rubberstamp.''
       Farnsworth is unmoved. ``I'm going to stand in front of all 
     my employees this afternoon and tell them that there's no 
     better time to buy our stock, even though at the same time, 
     I'll be dumping my shares faster than I ditched my second 
     wife. The only reason I can do this is because I can rest-
     assured that the $500 million of debt hidden in off-shore 
     partnerships will be just between me and Arthur Andersen.''
       ``Every time they invoke the 5th Amendment, they prove 
     they're a name I can trust,'' finished Farnsworth.

     

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