[Congressional Record Volume 141, Number 41 (Monday, March 6, 1995)]
[Extensions of Remarks]
[Pages E521-E522]
From the Congressional Record Online through the Government Publishing Office [www.gpo.gov]


                       REPUBLICAN MODEST PROPOSAL

                                 ______


                        HON. FORTNEY PETE STARK

                             of california

                    in the house of representatives

                          Monday, March 6, 1995
  Mr. STARK. Mr. Speaker, I always thought that the 1729 ``Modest 
Proposal'' essay by Jonathan Swift about how to solve the terrible 
homeless and hunger problems in Ireland was one of the most devastating 
satires ever written.
  The new Republican welfare bill, however, may cause Republican 
Governors to seriously consider Swift's proposal. By ending cash 
assistance as an entitlement and drastically cutting the funds 
available, the Republican bill guarantees that in the next recession, 
there will be millions of homeless and hungry children in America. To 
avoid the embarrassment of the failure of their social theories, the 
Republican Governors may adopt Swift's Modest Proposal and resort to 
eating the evidence. The following update of Swift's essay was found in 
the Ways and Means hearing room during the committee's mark-up of the 
welfare deform legislation. It appears to be 99 percent Swift and 1 
percent update.
A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People in America 
 From Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them 
                        Beneficial to the Public

  (An up-date of a 1729 proposal by an early Cato Institute thinker, 
   Jonathan Swift, to be added to the Republican Welfare Reform bill)

       It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this 
     great Capital, or travel in the country, when they see at red 
     lights, in the streets, and on the steam grates herds of 
     beggars, followed by three, four, or six children, all in 
     rags, and importuning every passenger for Metro fare. These 
     families, instead of being able to work for their honest 
     livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in washing 
     car windows and begging sustenance for their helpless 
     infants, who, as they grow up, turn thieves for want of work.
       I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious 
     number of children is a very great additional grievance; and 
     therefore whoever could find a fair, cheap, and easy method 
     of making these children sound an useful members of the 
     Republic would deserve so well of the public as to have his 
     statue set up (perhaps in a beggar-free Lafayette Park) as a 
     preserver of the nation.
       But my intention is very far from being confined to provide 
     only for the children of professed beggars; it is of a much 
     greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants 
     at a certain age who are born of parents who live under 
     duress, to wit: of minimum wage workers, temps, contract 
     workers, legal aliens, illegal aliens, and farm workers.
       As best can be computed by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 
     a child just dropped from its dam may be supported by her 
     milk for a solar year with little other nourishment, at most 
     not above the value of $20, which the mother may certainly 
     get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of 
     begging, and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to 
     provide for them, in such a manner as, instead of being a 
     charge upon their parents, or the local charities, or wanting 
     food and Levi's and sneakers the rest of their lives, they 
     shall, on the contrary, contribute to the feeding and partly 
     to the clothing of many thousands.
       There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, 
     that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that 
     horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, 
     alas, too frequent among us, sacrificing the poor innocent 
     babes, I doubt, more to avoid the expense than the shame, 
     which would move tears and pity in the most savage and 
     inhuman beast.
       The number of souls in America being about 270 million and 
     the number of babies born out of wedlock and without identity 
     of father about 277,000 a year, the question therefore is, 
     how this number shall be reared, and provided for, which in 
     the current national mood seems utterly impossible by all the 
     old socialist methods, for we can neither employ them in 
     handicraft or agriculture; they can very seldom pick up a 
     livelihood by stealing until they arrive at six years old, 
     except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess 
     they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time they 
     can however be properly looked upon only as probationers.
       I am assured by our apparel sweatshop owners that a boy or 
     a girl before twelve years old, is no salable commodity, and 
     even when they come to this age, they will not yield above 
     $300, which cannot turn to a profit either their parents or 
     the Nation, the charge of burgers, French fries, and 
     bluejeans having been at least four times that value.
       I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which 
     I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
       I have been assured by a very knowing Heritage Foundation 
     scholar of my acquaintance, that a young healthy child well 
     nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing and 
     wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled, 
     and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a 
     fricassee, or a ragout.
       I do therefore humbly offer it to the Ways and Means 
     Committee's consideration, that of every 277,000 children 
     already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, 
     whereof only one fifth part to be males, which is more than 
     we allow to sheep, cattle, or swine, and my reason is that 
     these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a 
     circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one 
     male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the 
     remaining quarter million or so may at a year old be offered 
     in sale to the persons of quality, and fortune, always 
     advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last 
     month, so as to render them plump, and fat for a good table. 
     A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends, 
     and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter 
     will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little 
     pepper or salsa will be very good boiled on the fourth day, 
     especially in February.
       I have reckoned upon a medium, that a child just born will 
     weigh ten pounds, and in a solar year if tolerably nursed 
     increaseth to twenty-eight pounds.
       I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very 
     proper for the owners of plants which have moved to Mexico, 
     who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem 
     to have the best title to the children.
       I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's 
     child (in which list I reckon, as said, various aliens, 
     minimum wager laborers, tenant farmers, etc.) to be about $20 
     per annum, rags included, and I believe no gentleman would 
     repine to give $6 per pound for the carcass of a good fat 
     child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of 
     excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular 
     friend or his own family to dine with him. Thus will the 
     Merger and Acquisition dealers of the nation learn to grow 
     popular among the working population for their purchase of 
     these repasts, and the mother will have about $150 net 
     profit, and be fit for work until she produces another child.
       Among the merits of this proposal I offer the following:
       Whereas the maintenance of 250,000 children from year one 
     upwards cannot be computed at less than $1,000 a piece per 
     annum, the nation's stock will be thereby increased a quarter 
     billion dollars per year, compounded year by year, besides 
     the profit of a new dish, introduced to the tables of all 
     gentleman of fortune who have any refinement of taste, and 
     the money will circulate among ourselves, the goods being 
     entirely of our own growth and manufacture and not from some 
     pesky import.
       Whereas the constant breeders, besides the gain of $150 per 
     annum by the sale of their children, will be rid of the 
     charge of maintaining them after the first year.
       Finally, this Modest Proposal would be a great inducement 
     to marriage, which all wise nations have either encouraged by 
     rewards, or enforced by laws and penalties. It would increase 
     the care and tenderness of mothers towards their children, 
     when they were sure of a settlement for life, to the poor 
     babes, provided in some sort by the public to 
     [[Page E522]]  their annual profit instead of expense. We 
     should soon see an honest emulation among the married women, 
     which of them could bring the fattest child to the market. 
     Men would become as fond of their wives, during the time of 
     their pregnancy, as they are now of their mares in foal, 
     their cows in calf, or sows when they are ready to farrow, 
     nor offer to beat or kick them (as it is too frequent a 
     practice) for fear of a miscarriage.
     

                          ____________________