[Congressional Record Volume 141, Number 41 (Monday, March 6, 1995)]
[Extensions of Remarks]
[Pages E521-E522]
From the Congressional Record Online through the Government Publishing Office [www.gpo.gov]
REPUBLICAN MODEST PROPOSAL
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HON. FORTNEY PETE STARK
of california
in the house of representatives
Monday, March 6, 1995
Mr. STARK. Mr. Speaker, I always thought that the 1729 ``Modest
Proposal'' essay by Jonathan Swift about how to solve the terrible
homeless and hunger problems in Ireland was one of the most devastating
satires ever written.
The new Republican welfare bill, however, may cause Republican
Governors to seriously consider Swift's proposal. By ending cash
assistance as an entitlement and drastically cutting the funds
available, the Republican bill guarantees that in the next recession,
there will be millions of homeless and hungry children in America. To
avoid the embarrassment of the failure of their social theories, the
Republican Governors may adopt Swift's Modest Proposal and resort to
eating the evidence. The following update of Swift's essay was found in
the Ways and Means hearing room during the committee's mark-up of the
welfare deform legislation. It appears to be 99 percent Swift and 1
percent update.
A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People in America
From Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them
Beneficial to the Public
(An up-date of a 1729 proposal by an early Cato Institute thinker,
Jonathan Swift, to be added to the Republican Welfare Reform bill)
It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this
great Capital, or travel in the country, when they see at red
lights, in the streets, and on the steam grates herds of
beggars, followed by three, four, or six children, all in
rags, and importuning every passenger for Metro fare. These
families, instead of being able to work for their honest
livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in washing
car windows and begging sustenance for their helpless
infants, who, as they grow up, turn thieves for want of work.
I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious
number of children is a very great additional grievance; and
therefore whoever could find a fair, cheap, and easy method
of making these children sound an useful members of the
Republic would deserve so well of the public as to have his
statue set up (perhaps in a beggar-free Lafayette Park) as a
preserver of the nation.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide
only for the children of professed beggars; it is of a much
greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants
at a certain age who are born of parents who live under
duress, to wit: of minimum wage workers, temps, contract
workers, legal aliens, illegal aliens, and farm workers.
As best can be computed by the Bureau of Labor Statistics,
a child just dropped from its dam may be supported by her
milk for a solar year with little other nourishment, at most
not above the value of $20, which the mother may certainly
get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of
begging, and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to
provide for them, in such a manner as, instead of being a
charge upon their parents, or the local charities, or wanting
food and Levi's and sneakers the rest of their lives, they
shall, on the contrary, contribute to the feeding and partly
to the clothing of many thousands.
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme,
that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that
horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children,
alas, too frequent among us, sacrificing the poor innocent
babes, I doubt, more to avoid the expense than the shame,
which would move tears and pity in the most savage and
inhuman beast.
The number of souls in America being about 270 million and
the number of babies born out of wedlock and without identity
of father about 277,000 a year, the question therefore is,
how this number shall be reared, and provided for, which in
the current national mood seems utterly impossible by all the
old socialist methods, for we can neither employ them in
handicraft or agriculture; they can very seldom pick up a
livelihood by stealing until they arrive at six years old,
except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess
they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time they
can however be properly looked upon only as probationers.
I am assured by our apparel sweatshop owners that a boy or
a girl before twelve years old, is no salable commodity, and
even when they come to this age, they will not yield above
$300, which cannot turn to a profit either their parents or
the Nation, the charge of burgers, French fries, and
bluejeans having been at least four times that value.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which
I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing Heritage Foundation
scholar of my acquaintance, that a young healthy child well
nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing and
wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled,
and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a
fricassee, or a ragout.
I do therefore humbly offer it to the Ways and Means
Committee's consideration, that of every 277,000 children
already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed,
whereof only one fifth part to be males, which is more than
we allow to sheep, cattle, or swine, and my reason is that
these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a
circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one
male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the
remaining quarter million or so may at a year old be offered
in sale to the persons of quality, and fortune, always
advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last
month, so as to render them plump, and fat for a good table.
A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends,
and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter
will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little
pepper or salsa will be very good boiled on the fourth day,
especially in February.
I have reckoned upon a medium, that a child just born will
weigh ten pounds, and in a solar year if tolerably nursed
increaseth to twenty-eight pounds.
I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very
proper for the owners of plants which have moved to Mexico,
who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem
to have the best title to the children.
I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's
child (in which list I reckon, as said, various aliens,
minimum wager laborers, tenant farmers, etc.) to be about $20
per annum, rags included, and I believe no gentleman would
repine to give $6 per pound for the carcass of a good fat
child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of
excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular
friend or his own family to dine with him. Thus will the
Merger and Acquisition dealers of the nation learn to grow
popular among the working population for their purchase of
these repasts, and the mother will have about $150 net
profit, and be fit for work until she produces another child.
Among the merits of this proposal I offer the following:
Whereas the maintenance of 250,000 children from year one
upwards cannot be computed at less than $1,000 a piece per
annum, the nation's stock will be thereby increased a quarter
billion dollars per year, compounded year by year, besides
the profit of a new dish, introduced to the tables of all
gentleman of fortune who have any refinement of taste, and
the money will circulate among ourselves, the goods being
entirely of our own growth and manufacture and not from some
pesky import.
Whereas the constant breeders, besides the gain of $150 per
annum by the sale of their children, will be rid of the
charge of maintaining them after the first year.
Finally, this Modest Proposal would be a great inducement
to marriage, which all wise nations have either encouraged by
rewards, or enforced by laws and penalties. It would increase
the care and tenderness of mothers towards their children,
when they were sure of a settlement for life, to the poor
babes, provided in some sort by the public to
[[Page E522]] their annual profit instead of expense. We
should soon see an honest emulation among the married women,
which of them could bring the fattest child to the market.
Men would become as fond of their wives, during the time of
their pregnancy, as they are now of their mares in foal,
their cows in calf, or sows when they are ready to farrow,
nor offer to beat or kick them (as it is too frequent a
practice) for fear of a miscarriage.
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